Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
