I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
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