Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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