I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Jerry, you need to find god
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
no you cant smoke seaweed
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
