I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
