hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
