i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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