Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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