new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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