There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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