Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
