Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
