I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
