just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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