i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
