new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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