Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
