She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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