Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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