so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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