The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
