She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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