How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
