This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
