Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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