I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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