Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
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She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
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I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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