today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
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