Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
