The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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