Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Your cock deserves a montage
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
