Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
