Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
No stitches, just platelets and will power
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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