Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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