i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
