I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
