My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
