He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
