Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
