Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
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