Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
