I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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