i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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