Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
