Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
