I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
