Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
