Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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