I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
If I die, sorry about rent.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I want a musical about memes.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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