I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
