I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
