Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
