well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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