I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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